Sophisticated Nutrition

When I was younger caffeinated soda and pizza and chips were the foods of choice for any big gaming session.  Nowadays it’s trail mix and water if it’s after 4 pm.  Times change I suppose.

In High School pizza was the default food.  If you had people over for D&D or a LAN party you’d order pizza no questions asked.  The only debate was what toppings to get.  Nowadays if you’re gaming with others they have all kinds of whacky ideas like Chinese Food or Mexican Food or home cooked food or the craziest idea of all; pausing the games to go eat at a restaurant.  Pause the game and go somewhere?  MADNESS!!!

But I admit that as I’ve gotten older I’ve had to cut back on pizza and have started to make healthier choices.  There was a brief period around my thirtieth birthday where I healthied it up but getting pizza with vegetables on it.  But at a certain point you have to look at a giant circle of melted cheese and wonder if putting a couple slices of tomatoes on top is really accomplishing anything.  The first time I got heartburn after eating pepperoni pizza at midnight I thought I was dying, not because I mistook the discomfort for something fatal but because I realized I was becoming my father.

Of course a lot of my gaming sessions are done online now so everybody can eat whatever they want in their own homes.  As long as you mute your microphone while you chew you can eat anything.  Although I think it’s pretty funny when I’m enjoying the fact that I don’t have to come to an agreement with everybody and then we find out we’re all just eating pizza anyway.

Trailmix is a great gaming snack that is reasonably healthy too.  Although I often buy a bag of M&M’s and mix some in to increase the chocolate to everything else ratio.  It’s makes it less healthy sure but hey, I’m still getting some nutrition from the raisins and the nuts even if they are spread thin among the candy.  Take your wins where you can get them.

Pretty much every Sunday morning I get up and play a video game (often World of Warcraft but the game changes periodically) with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of Earl Grey tea.  Younger me would have had leftover, cold pizza and a Pepsi.  But to be honest that isn’t even appealing anymore.  I enjoy my morning oatmeal and tea.  Perhaps I’m becoming more sophisticated as I age.  That’s certainly the way I’m going to spin it.  I’m not old, I’m sophisticated.

My Thoughts On Rogue One

Having watched Rogue One twice, and the second viewing was just yesterday in the comfort of my home, I feel compelled to discuss it now on the internet.  Because discussing sci-fi shows is one of the three main reasons the internet even exists.

I am going to spoil Rogue One (And possibly all Star Wars movie) during the entire rest of this post.  Rogue One is available on iTunes and Blue Ray and all the various contrivances for home viewing so if you haven’t seen it yet simply close this blog and go watch it immediately.  Then return here for insight into what you’ve just witnessed.

Rogue One is the finest Star Wars film since the original trilogy.

Rogue One takes place during the time of the original trilogy, I swear you could start A New Hope at the moment Rogue One ends and it would feel like one long movie.  It doesn’t suffer the problems of the prequels, which look and feel like completely different movies.  Neither does it  suffer from episode 7’s problem of having changed everything to familiar but different things.  (Episode 7’s First Order feels a lot like the Empire but … it’s not exactly the Empire so what is it?)    Rogue One feels like the first three movies.

Rogue One answers questions and I like the answers it gives.

Q. How is it that the Death Star had such an obvious weakness?
A. The man who led the design team was a rebel sympathizer who secretly and purposefully built a weakness into it.  He secretly communicated the weakness’s existence to the rebellion.  Political infighting among the Empire caused Tarkin to destroy the base where the plans were kept so he could eliminate his rival Krennic (and also any hope of the Empire analyzing the plans to find the weakness themselves).
Q.  How did princess Leia end up with the plans at the beginning of A New Hope?
A.  A team of rebels snuck into the facility where the plans were stored and transmitted them to Leia’s ship.
Q. Why does the rebellion have nothing but X-Wing fighters to defend their base during the attack in A New Hope?
A.  Their capital ships were destroyed during the battle to secure the Death Star plans.
Rogue One is wonderful because, if nothing else, it finally answers the question of how the Death Star could be blown up so easily.  How many times have people asked about that?  A million times perhaps?  Finally we have a reasonable answer!
The action scenes are spectacular.  Every time people on the ground are fighting or ships in space are battling it’s a fun thing watch.  The space battle over Scarif looks like a sci-fi version of World War 2 aerial dog fights and naval battles.  For that matter the battle on the surface of Scarif looks like sci-fi versions of war movies as well.  Every fight scene in this film is a joy to behold.
Jyn Erso is awesome.  I love all her dialog, what she says and the way she says it is just a joy to listen too.  The pep talk she gives after they land on Scarif is both inspiring and honest.  The moment she really becomes a great character for me is when she and her team steals a ship to go off to try and get the plans.  In that moment she rebels even against the rebellion and launches her own clandestine mission, and because she’s making the right call that act secures her as a leader and hero.  It reminds me of Kirk stealing the Enterprise in Search For Spock to go do what Star Fleet won’t authorize because he knows it’s right.  Great Sci-Fi heroes often defy orders and Jyn Erso follows that proud tradition.
K-2SO is comedic relief done right, he’s funny without being silly or distracting.  And in the end he dies a heroes death.  Also the voice acting was perfect, you might say that droid was a leaf on the wind (get it?).    Chirrut Imwe is wonderful and more than makes up for this being the first Star Wars movie without a Jedi in it (Darth Vadar is a Sith so he doesn’t count).  I love Chirrut Imwe’s whole Blind Monk thing he’s doing, his faith and ability in the Force and his chant, he’s just fantastic!  I thought director Krennic was an excellent villain and enjoyed the political fight for power he had with Tarkin.  Darth Vadar was in the movie exactly the right amount, and at the end when he’s mowing down rebels while chasing after the Death Star plans he is more terrifying than he has ever been.

THE ONLY BAD THING for me is the sad ending.  Everybody dies.  I like happy endings.  And this ending is a downer.  It’s not all bad of course, they get the plans and that’s the big win that makes all the sacrifice worth it.  When they hand the plans to princess Leia that’s the happy ending right there, that’s the big victory and that’s an AWESOME moment!  And I’m not sure the movie would have worked if Jyn and her crew hadn’t all given their lives.  If they all lived and escaped it might have seemed a bit too easy, unbelievable, silly?  But whatever, personally I think I would have liked at least some of them escaping alive at the end.

So there you go, I loved it.  5 out of 5.  It’s the BEST of the new Star Wars movies.  It’s perfect in every way except for everyone dying at the end.  And I can get past that.  The way it set’s up A New Hope is fantastic.  The way it explains the weakness in the Death Star is a godsend to a nerd who is tired of defending how easy it was to destroy it.  The space battle at the end is pure awesome.  I really love this movie.

Competition Online

Competitive e-sports are gaining in popularity all the time.  When I was younger I vaguely remember people talking about who the best Quake player was and I understood that competitive Star Craft was a popular thing in South Korea.  But it always seemed very niche and fringe.  It was a thing that might, maybe one day catch on. But that day is today. Today-ish. Really it’s kind of a slow thing that’s been happening for years as opposed to one day. One decade maybe. The point is that it is happening. ARE YOU READY TO LOG ON AND THEN RUMBLE???!!!

Overwatch, Heroes of the Storm, Hearthstone, and probably games that aren’t made by Blizzard all feature strong competitive multiplayer experiences for casual players and pros alike.  (I know Counter Strike and League Of Legends and plenty of other non-Blizzard games are also very popular but today I’m mostly just talking about Blizzard games. )  And I very much enjoy all of these games.  The only problem is that they are focused specifically on competing against human opponents and I’m more of a Play Alone Against Computer Controlled Enemies sort of person.  I’m a PAACCE person.

My favorite IRL sport is Tennis.  That’s partly because I can play it without any teammates.  I don’t particularly like having teammates.  I always worry that I’m going to be bad and ruin it for them.  I like playing singles tennis because the only person I can ruin it for is myself, and I ruin things for myself all the time anyway so I’m used to it.  Although tennis does still have the unpleasant requirement of finding another human to play against.  So that’s when the computer steps in with games where I can play against Computer Controlled Enemies and avoid human contact altogether!  PAACCE FTW!

If only I liked truly single player IRL sports like Golf or Bowling more.  But the only time I really enjoy them is when Mario and Luigi and/or a WiiMote are involved.

I used to play a lot of Quake and then Unreal Tournament and enjoyed them immensely.   I’d even play online with human opponents.  But always in All Versus All DeathMatch.  Which is, I insist, the BEST WAY TO PLAY SHOOTERS!  That’s the main problem I have with Overwatch, I have teammates.  A teammate is a person who may yell at you for not playing well enough (scary).  A teammate is a person who you can’t shoot (boring).  I wish Overwatch had a free for all deathmatch mode.  And no classes, everyone should be the same and just use whatever gun you can find.  And basically it should just be Quake Arena again.

Games were perfect when I was about 18, why did people keep making new ones after that?  Also why did deathmatch lose popularity?  Shooters now are all about teams.  Either they recreate wars and have massive army/teams or they’re squad based with tiny teams.  But either way it’s always teams.  And there’s always goals and objectives and stuff.  I just want to run around KILLING EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME!  (Don’t read too much into my mental health from that statement please.)  I miss deathmatch.

Although thank goodness we still have games like Borderlands and Mass Effect where we can play solo against CCE’s.

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with MOBA’s.  (MOBA is like Heroes of the Storm or League of Legends.  The original was a mod for Warcraft 3 back when Warcraft was an RTS with a cool map editor).  MOBA’s are so much fun but I don’t understand them at all.  I try.  I listen to “Into The Nexus” podcast and watch tutorial videos on YouTube and it still just doesn’t make sense to me.  There’s a strategy there that’s deeper than “Run at an enemy player and push all the buttons until one of you dies” but I just can’t seem to grasp it.  I’m always farming when I should be mercing or mercing when I should be pushing or Googling what mercing means when I should be farming.  I really enjoy Heroes of the Storm these days because it has all my favorite characters from all the Blizzard games and it has a reasonably good AI mode where it’s just you, and friends you invite, and CCE’s.  Occasionally when I’m feeling particularly good about my skills I dip my toe into Quickmatch.  But even Quickmatch is a stretch.  95% of my time there is AI mode and I’m pretty okay with that.

Then there’s Hearthstone which sounds PERFECT for me.  NO TEAMMATES!  Add to that my love of Warcraft and that I’ve played Magic The Gathering since High School and it sounds absolutely PERFECT in every way.  And it kind of is.  I enjoy it a lot.  The only problem is I get tired of it pretty fast.  After an hour of game play my brain is overheating, steam is shooting out my ears, and I forget how math works.  Card games require a level of concentration and memory and math skills that stretch my brain to the limit.  I can’t keep that up for long or my brain will pop like a pinata struck with a baseball bat.  Brain candy will drip out of my ears and nose and the media will report me as a video game related death.  “Last night a middle aged Alaskan man died of Spontaneous Brain Bursting while playing video games.”  “Do video games increase the likely hood of sudden onset SBB?  The answer might surprise you!”  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy it very much.  I often get my rank 20 monthly card back.  But it just isn’t my game.

The only competitive online game (besides DeathMatch back when that used to be popular) that I’ve enjoyed and excelled at was Warcraft 3.  1v1 online ranked games of Warcraft 3 were my jam (which is strange because I actually prefer jelly).  No teammates to worry about in 1v1.  A game play I understood and was good at.  I enjoyed it in every way.  Of course I was never MLG or anything but I remember getting reasonably high in the ranks, I think I got into a pretty good league.  Maybe, since Warcraft 3 is far too old to be popular anymore, maybe I should play StarCraft 2 competitively.  That could be fun …

Of course I’m pretty busy with The Sims 4 these days.  I dunno, maybe I’m just not a competitive sort of person.  I usually play games to wind down not up.  The Sims 4 just launched a bowling expansion pack.  Maybe I’ll take my Sim family bowling and experience competitive sports vicariously through them.  The same way I experience romance these days.

 

 

The Sleeping Beholder

See Attle landed gently on the ground beside his fellow adventurers and folded his wings behind him. Khalisee opened a coin purse that didn’t belong to her, extracted the money, and tossed the empty bag into the lava. Kratos and Byazz looked ahead at the wondrous village before them. The homes and roads were carved from stone jutting up from a vast pool of lava.

The dwarven guards stopped the group, they were expected, and the guards ushered them straight to the Town Hall in the center of town. Kratos spit over the railing and watched it evaporate before it reached the lava bellow. The Town Hall, ornate with statues of regal looking dwarfs carved into it’s walls, was the tallest building in the village. Inside the acting mayor explained the villages plight. Villagers had been disappearing. The mayor had insisted the problem lay within the Forbidden Cave. He entered it a week ago and had not been heard from since. The party agreed to enter the cave, find the mayor, and find the cause of the disappearances.

Hours after entering the cave the party was looting the body of six foot tall spider. Byazz was wiggling his fingers trying to shake off the paralysis he had suffered during the fight when Khalisee returned from scouting ahead. She reported one way led to a lava fall that seemed impossible to get around. The other way was blocked only by a wooden door. The party chose the path of least resistance. On the other side of the door lay the decomposing body of the mayor. Covered in claw and bite marks that resembled the spider they had just fought.

“We found the mayor!” exclaimed See Attle. He spread his wings in triumph. “Let’s go back and collect our reward.”

“A shame he’s dead.” Khalisee said. “They would have paid us more if we could have saved him.”

“Shouldn’t we explore the rest of the cave? We said we’d try to find the cause of the disappearances.” asked Kratos.

“I can’t see anything!” Byazz shouted. “The paralyzing spider venom has blinded me!!!

“Your torch went out.” Khalisee explained. She lit a new one and Byazz looked amazed and relieved.

“I can see!”

“Should we bring them back the body of their mayor?” See Attle asked.

“Let’s just take his insignia and continue exploring.” Kratos answered.

The did so. Further in the cave they came to a large hallway with five foot by five foot tiles lining the floor. See Attle poked one with his sword and nothing happened. Before he stepped on it though Byazz slammed his glaive into the tile, penetrating the tile which crumbled on impact. A hole underneath went far beyond what their torchlight could illuminate.

“I’ll fly across.” See Attle said.

“That won’t help the rest of us.” Kratos replied.

Byazz slammed his glaive onto two other tiles. Both remained firm. Gingerly See Attle stepped on one and it held his weight.

“It’s a puzzle, we need to find which of these we can walk across.” Khalisee said.

“I’ll fly across.” See Attle said.

“Go ahead then. But you’ll have to wait on the other side for us to find a way across.”

“No, I’ll hover across like a humming bird. That way if you step on a false floor and begin to fall I’ll catch you.”

“You can’t hover like a humming bird.” Kratos said. “Humming birds flap their wings a million times a minute. You can barely flap your wings enough to get off the ground at all. You’re more of a seagull, built for gliding.”

“Oh yeah? Watch this!” See Attle exclaimed as he began furiously beating his wings.

“You’re not even getting airborne.”

“How about, ugh, now?” See Attle asked as he beat his wings harder and faster than anyone had seen before. Unfortunately, without a running start, his body stood there planted on the ground.

“You’re just not a humming bird.” Kratos told him. “Here, I’ll find a safe path.”

“Just … a little … faster ….” See Attle mumbled to himself as he kept trying to levitate.

Minutes later Kratos was looking across a gap and wondered if the next tile would hold his weight. “Wait here.” He told the group and ran back towards the entrance of the cave.

He returned with the mayors corpse.

“What are you doing?” Khalisee asked.

“I need to know if the tile on the far side will support my weight. Byazz, help me throw this body across the pit to that tile.”

“Sounds good.” Byazz said, he grabbed a leg.

“No! This isn’t good at all!” Khalisee exclaimed. “We can’t just throw the village mayors dead body across a bottomless hole to see if the far side is solid!”

“Why not?” asked Kratos.

“Because I haven’t checked the body for loot yet! I was going to do that on our way out of the cave. But here, let me loot it before you toss it down the hole.”

Khalisee rifled through the dead mayors pockets and found a note. She translated it and read it to the party.

“What is real? Life is a dream. If the Beholder wakes the village will vanish. I must wind the clock.”

“What in the multiverse does that mean?” Khalisee asked.

“I dunno. The mayor was off his rocker.” Byazz said.

“Well, let’s test that tile.” Kratos said.

Byazz and Kratos heaved the dead body across the pit and it landed with a thud on the far tile. It held firm.

“I’ll jump across.” he said. “That tile seems solid.”

“Shouldn’t we let the bird man do this?” Khalisee asked.

“He’s still … he’s trying to hover. I’ll go. I’m a barbarian, a five foot jump like this is easy for me.”

Byazz held out a rope, “Tie this around your waist just in case.” Kratos did, Byazz and Khalisee held the rope tight. They wished they could find something to tie it too. Kratos ran forward and leaped in the air.

His hands grabbed the edge of the tile on the other side. He tried to climb up but his hands slipped. Kratos fell. Khalisee and Byazz pulled on the rope with all their strength but they couldn’t hold him. The rope burned as it slid through their fingers. Kratos and the rope disappeared into the inky blackness of the pit.

“That’s a shame.” Khalisee said.

“Looks like he knocked the mayors body off too.” Byazz commented.

“Good thing I looted it already.”

Hours later the party, except for Kratos, had managed to jump across the pit and were exploring the rest of the cave. The loss of their friend, another spider fight, some doors that were trapped with venomous spiders that rained from the ceiling when opened, and the discovery of another dead dwarf had put the party in a foul mood. They bickered with each other even more than usual.

“Let’s just return to town. We can give them the mayors amulet and explain he died. Then we can collect our reward and leave this horrible place.” See Attle told the group.

“It’s not an amulet. It’s just an insignia.”

“Same thing.”

“No, they are different things. At least in the language of men and dwarfs they are.”

“They’re the same.” See Attle insisted.

“Hey!” Khalisee shouted from up ahead. “There’s a spiral staircase here. It goes down really far. Too far down to see the floor!”

“I’m exhausted.” Byazz grumbled. “I don’t want to climb a bunch of stairs.”

“We’ll be going DOWN the stairs.” See Attle said. “Not climbing them.”

“Going down stairs is hard work too.”

“Naw. Just fall down them. Easy.”

An hour later they reached the floor at the bottom of the stairs. More giant spiders waited for them. While Khalisee was looting their bodies, removing their venom sacks for reasons only she knew, Byazz search the room. Looking for anything, treasure, secret passages, clues to the villagers disappearances, whatever he could find. It was his habit to always searched every room but he rarely found anything.

This time, he did.

An outline of a door cleverly disguised in the rock wall indicated a hidden passage. The party opened it and stepped in cautiously. Soon, they found the splattered corpse of the mayor and the body of Kratos.

Kratos still had a pulse.

After administering some first aid Kratos was awake and cranky.

“Why didn’t you hold the rope!??!”

“We tried! You’re very heavy!”

“Muscle. All muscle.”

“Yeah, all that heavy muscle made it hard to hold the rope.”

“You’re a bunch of babies. I could have died!”

“We did find your body, and saved your life, you could say ‘thank you’ for that.”

“You wouldn’t have needed to do any of that if you’d just HELD THE ROPE!”

“I was going to hover acr…” See Attle said but the others stopped him.

They slept. Had a nice breakfast. And continued exploring the cave.

Eventually they found a large chamber, in the center of which lay a Beholder. Asleep. His many eye stalks twitched though, his multiple eyelids fluttered almost opening. The Beholder was waking up.

There was a clock on the wall. Large and strange looking. Byazz, having some experience with magic, could sense latent magic powers on the clock mechanisms.

“There’s a sign by the clock.” Kratos said. “It reads, ‘While the clock runs all inside will sleep’, that must be the clock the mayor’s note was talking about.”

“I’ll go inside and wind the clock.” Khalisee said.

“Let’s just kill the Beholder.” Byazz said.

“I’ve heard Beholders can shoot Disintegration Rays and Death Rays from their eyes.” Kratos told them. “And it’s got a lot of eyes so … I don’t want to fight anything that’s going to shoot Disintegration Rays at me. Just wind the clock.”

Khalisee crept over to the wall and found the crank that winds the clock. As she did the clock began to tick and she became very sleepy.

“Crud! She’s in the room, the clock is putting her to sleep too!” exclaimed Kratos.

“Let’s go grab her and pull her out!” See Attle said.

“If we go in we’ll go to sleep too! Hurry, Khalisee! Get out of there!” Kratos shouted.

Khalisee was nearly passed out, crawling on her knees by the time she reached the door. Her friends reached in, grabbed her, and pulled her out of the room.

“I could just shoot it with arrows from here.” Byazz said. “I bet I can kill it without entering the room.”

“What if you wake it up?”

“Then the clock will put it back to sleep.”

“Still seems risky.”

“Come on guys! I really want to kill that Beholder! You never let me do anything FUN!”

From behind them a voice boomed out, “YOU SAVED US ALL! THANK THE GODS!” The party turned to see the mayor, in one piece, alive and well.

“You were dead!” Khalisee said.

“I was healed when you put the Beholder back to sleep.”

“This doesn’t make any sense. I’m going to kill that thing and be done with it all!” Byazz exclaimed.

“NO! Kill the Beholder and you’ll kill me too, and my whole village! Here, let me explain.”

“Long ago that Beholder ran loose in these lands terrorizing all. The dwarfs who lived in this region fought the Beholder for years but could not defeat it. Finally they found a wizard who worked with them to create this clock. The dwarfs built the mechanical parts of the clock and the wizard imbued it with magic enchantments. It pulls mana from the ley lines of the area and uses that mana to keep this whole room under the affect of a powerful sleep spell. The dwarfs lured the Beholder down here then started the clock. The Beholder has been trapped here asleep ever since.

Beholders are strange creatures, aberrations from another plane. They warp reality, they can dream other Beholders into existence, and this one dreamed me and all the dwarfs of the Lava Village into being. Perhaps he dreams of dwarfs because it was dwarfs he fought for all that time, dwarfs who trapped him here. But he dreamed of dwarfs for hundreds of years until his dreams became real, became me and my villagers. In time, we’ve taken on a life of our own. But we are not ‘real’, we are the dream. If that Beholder wakes up me and my village will disappear.

The clock has the power to drape that whole room with powerful sleep spells for as long as the clock is running. But the mechanical part of the clock, which is necessary to pull mana from the ley lines and power the spells, cannot run forever. Like any clock it must be wound periodically. Once a year to be exact. I have wound the clock every year for as long as I have existed. I was unable to wind the clock this year, the Beholder began to wake up, and villagers began to vanish as a result.

By winding the clock you saved me, you saved us all! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” See Attle answered.

“Well that’s ridiculous!” Byazz shouted. “I’m going to kill that Beholder.”

“STOP!” Everybody else exclaimed, and they grabbed his bow and pulled him away from the door. “Let’s just go. We’ve saved the town and everything. Maybe they’ll reward us.”

“Yes.” The mayor said. “Free Ale for everyone once we get back to town!”

And so it came to pass that the village of the Lava Lake was safe for another year. Probably. Unless Byazz returns to kill the Beholder.

Legacy

Sometimes I worry about what kind of legacy I’m leaving behind.  In the original series of Star Trek we met Zefram Cochrane who created the first human Warp Drive and later had a romance with an energy creature.  In The Next Generation as you listen to the dialog in engineering you hear Cochrane mixed in from time to time because they’ve named warp engine things after him.  His warp jump was so important that his name is remembered for hundreds of years.

I’m not smart enough to invent a Faster Than Light engine and I’m not brave enough to pilot it if I did.  So what options does that leave me for a legacy?  How will future generations remember me?

This blog will disappear as soon as I stop paying the bill.  There are sites trying to archive everything on the internet so maybe it’ll be preserved that way.  But if it’s just mixed in with the entire rest of the internet will anybody even care?  This blog, whether live or archived, has to compete with videos of kittens.  I can’t compete with kitten videos, nobody could.

My body is doomed to turn to dust eventually.  I might convince my heirs to mummify me but then I might come back to life one day and start eating people.  That would be a memorable legacy but it’s not what I’m going for.  I want to be remembered fondly, not as a supernatural monster.  Although, let’s call Supernatural Monster Plan B.

Some athletes are remembered long after they’re dead.  Maybe my legacy could be some great achievement in sportsballing?  I’m not sure what sport is popular enough to create a legacy and also easy enough for an out of shape nerd to begin playing at almost forty.  Maybe an e-sport?  Probably not though, League of Legends is a young persons game.

Maybe Hearthstone, that’s a game a person with my fading reflexes could still excel at.  But even if I worked ten hours a day for the next five years and managed to win a Hearthstone tournament at Blizzcon … are people going to be naming things after me hundreds of years later?  I doubt it.  Maybe if I became the most famous of Hearthstone players they might make a card named after me.  But even that would be forgotten a year later, I don’t really think anybody plays Wild.

My card would be a Panda named Toddington Bear, it would be a 2/3 for three mana that reads, “Todd was a cool guy.”

I could write a great novel.  People still read novels from centuries ago.  Although if you’re reading this blog you know how good of a writer I am.  I should probably keep thinking.

Maybe my legacy will just be how I lived my life and what impact I had on friends, family, and others.  Maybe by being kind to other people that will cause them to be kind as well, passing on and amplifying my original act of kindness.  And if those kind actions are also passed on and those are passed on too and so on and so forth forever then I could be the beginning in a chain reaction of happiness and joy and kindness that will continue to spread across humanity for all time.

But I was hoping for something that would make people remember my name so …. maybe I’ll revisit that mummy thing.

Graduation Speech

My mind wanders a lot.  It’s like a puppy, I have no control over it and sometimes it piddles on the carpet.  So I don’t know why I think about this, but sometimes I imagine what I would say if asked to give a speech to graduating college students.  My latest version goes like this.

How many of you have played World Of Warcraft?  Or any MMO really though, I think they’re probably a lot alike.  In WoW you fight monsters and gain experience points, collecting enough experience points causes your character to level up and the higher level you are the stronger you are.  When the game first came out the highest level you could possibly achieve was 60.

I was level 58 when the first expansion came out which raised the level cap to 70.  So by the time I got to 60 it wasn’t the max level anymore, it was a bit of a bummer.  That’s a metaphor for much of my life, every time I get close to achieving something the goal moves farther away.  Anyway, people kept telling me I had to get to Max Level.  They said the REAL game doesn’t even start until Max Level.

Max Level sounds like a person.  “Hello, Max Level I presume?  Oh, you’re not?  He moved to an office ten floors up?  Back to grinding the stairwell then.”

When I did finally reach Max Level the game did change.  Suddenly I was being invited to raid dungeons with big groups of people.  I was asked to join guilds where lots of people work together to run ever harder boss monsters.  Nobody cared what level I was anymore, everybody was Max Level, but the quality of my gear was suddenly the most important thing.  Gotta get better gear by running harder dungeons with better groups of players.

I thought when I reached Max Level that the days of progressing were over, I was totally wrong.

You’re graduating college.  That’s great.  You’re now all Max Level.  Suddenly you’re being asked to get jobs in your careers.  You’re ready to join Companies where lots of people work together to fight with/against harder bosses.  Nobody will care what your grades are anymore  everybody is a graduate, but now your job titles or income will be what people focus on.  Gotta get better jobs and more money.  Because that’s how you progress now.  It’s not about “leveling up” to the next grade level or making sure your GPA is high anymore.  It’s a completely different game now.

I don’t belong to a raiding guild in WoW.  I didn’t enjoy raiding dungeons in groups as much as other people.  I do it from time to time and I enjoy it in small doses.  But generally, I solo a lot still.  I run quests.  Collect mounts and vanity items.  Play alts.  The thing about WoW is there’s so much more to do at Max Level than just dungeons.  Hardcore raiders will tell you raiding dungeons is the best part of the game, and for them that’s true it’s what they enjoy most.  But there are other things you can do, lots and lots of other things you can do.

Many of you will join big companies and will thrive in that environment, you may enjoy it, and be successful at it.  Many of you may find your happiness in other ways.  There are jobs that don’t pay as well but are more rewarding emotionally or spiritually.

The thing to know is that the game is changing.  Changing drastically.  Life is a big game, almost as big as WoW, there’s a lot of choices out there.  And the exciting thing is that you’re finally Max Level, you’re finally ready to play the REAL game.

Dungeons And Dragons Traps

One of my favorite parts of Dungeons and Dragons is traps.  Maybe because you usually have to think your way out of them.  Maybe because they offer so much variety.  Maybe because the players usually have a lot more conversation when trying to figure out how to deal with them.  Maybe because traps can scare the beejeepers out of the players.

 

So here’s a few good traps to try in your dungeons.  Feel free to use them and modify them as you see fit.

The Choice

When the party attempts to open a door they all hear a magical voice in their heads.  It explains that the door will only open after they have each answered the following question.  Which of your party members, excluding yourself, will you choose to weaken?  Each player is handed a note with the names of the other party members and is asked to circle one name and return the note to the GM.  You can leave it as “weaken” if you want to keep it vague or you can explain that the person you choose to weaken will lose one level while your character will gain one.  After everyone chooses a person to weaken the door opens and the “trap” is gone.  And players can adjust their levels accordingly.

The door itself is the source of the trap, it’s been magically enchanted.  A successful Detect Magic can discover it before anyone tries to open it and Dispel Magic can disable the trap.

What’s interesting about this is that if the players choose to they can get through this without anybody actually losing a level.  If player A weakens B and player B weakens player C and player C weakens A then everybody goes up and down one level, leaving everyone the same.  If, however, players either don’t coordinate or if they simply decide to be jerks one person could end up getting the shaft.  Remember, players love choices!

 

The Vice

When entering this room everybody finds their armor is shrinking (only the armor they are wearing).  Begin combat and start going through turns in order of initiative.  Leaving the room stops the shrinking, you may want to have the door close and lock behind them or find some other way to trap them in the room.  During the first round of combat the armor just becomes increasingly tight and uncomfortable.  On the second round everybody is so crushed by their armor that they take 2d6 damage, and now it’s too tight to remove normally so they would need to beat a DC 15 Athletics check (can you contort your body enough to remove the too tight clothing?).  Of course you could also cut the armor off if it’s leather or cloth.  Every turn from now on the party take 2d6 more damage than last time and the DC to remove goes up by 3 (so on turn 3 they take 4d6 damage and need to beat DC 18 Athletics, turn 4 they take 6d6 and need DC 21).

The solution is to get out of this room so if you’ve sealed the door behind them they have to go forward.  The catch here is to combine this trap with some sort of puzzle or trick to opening that next door.  Maybe it’s just very hard to lockpick requiring a high DC and probably multiple attempts.  Or put some monsters, naked so nobody argues that their armor should be shrinking, blocking the door.  Or whatever other obstacle you like.

The magic enchantment on this room can be Dispelled and Detected at whatever DC you choose.  One option is to make the Dispel DC low but it has to be cast on each players armor individually.  The party probably doesn’t have many people who can dispel magic so they can’t do everybody all at once that way.  Once they’ve gotten out of the room the armor stops shrinking and returns to its original size.

 

Friendship is Magic

A magical portal blocks your path in a space wide enough for at least two people two walk through side by side.  It’s easy to see because it shimmers and crackles with lightning and no Perception checks or Detect Magic are needed.  When a player touches it they don’t feel anything, their hand or body part can pass through as easily as if it was empty space.  But should they attempt to walk through it solo they are thrown backwards and take 3d6 damage.  There is a carving on the left wall of a hand reaching out and another on the right wall.  If anybody asks you can tell them the hands appear to be reaching towards each other and that each is a right hand, implying that the hands are from two different people.

The solution here is to walk through the portal holding hands with another player.  If two people walk through while holding hands no damage is taken and they walk easily to the other side.  You can backtrack through the portal as a single person incurring no damage or resistance, so if there’s an odd number of people in the party one person can return to escort the last person through.

I would make it impossible to Dispel Magic this trap because it’s not particularly lethal nor is it that hard to figure out the solution.    Note, don’t use this trap unless there’s at least two people in the party.

Fear Of Flying

 

I’m afraid of flying. People say it’s safer than driving to which I say I’m afraid of driving too. Telling me I’m more likely to die in the ride to the airport than on the flight only makes it worse people.

I think I can trace my fear of flying (and driving) to my career in computers. Computers “crash” all the time. Programs “crash”, operating systems “crash”, drivers “crash”. Surely there’s some correlation between a “driver crashing” and my fear of driving. And being exposed to the word “crash” a hundred times a day is bound to take it’s toll. Somewhere in my sub-conscious there’s a part of me that knows that things are always crashing. Crashing is very common in computers. So why shouldn’t I expect my airplane to crash? It could get a Blue Screen Of Death somewhere over Denver and then it’s all over. You can’t reboot the airplane, or if you can it’d be a race against time hoping it turns on again before you hit the ground. “NO for the love of God don’t run ScanDisk now!!!”

Working in computers does reinforce the idea that stuff breaks constantly. Especially in I.T. where people are literally calling all day long to complain that something has broken. It’s hard to look at the number of tickets for printing without thinking, “If we can’t even make a printer work reliably how the heck can we trust airplanes?” On the other hand maybe if lives were at stake they’d build the darn printers better.

According to an episode of Mythbusters airplanes can pretty much fly themselves most of the time. They can even land or take off by themselves. I suppose that should exacerbate my fears but it really has the opposite effect. Sure, I’m afraid of computer software crashing, but as long as the computer is functioning correctly I trust it over human beings in almost every way. A computer might crash because it’s malfunctioned, a human might crash because they were trying to change the radio station and weren’t looking where they were going.

“Today some guy was killed in a plane crash because the plane broke down in midair and was unable to reboot in time.” sounds better than. “Today some guy was killed because the pilot spilled hot coffee on their lap.”

Origins Of Caffeine

Today I’m going to tell you where caffeine comes from. Why not get yourself a fresh cup of tea or a mug of coffee to enjoy while reading the following totally true, real facts.

Originally coffee was known only to the Gods. It was the source of their power. One day Caffinitus climbed Mt. Olympus and stole some coffee plants from Zeus’s garden. For bringing the “Brown Ambrosia” to humanity the Gods punished all humans with the curse that, if we ever stop drinking coffee, we will suffer the pangs of headache and fatigue. The humans drank it anyway.

Of course there’s also caffeine in Tea. An ancient Chinese farmer once saw a dragon flying by at amazing speed. And when I say dragon I don’t mean the European, big, fat dragon that we associate with Bilbo and the Lonely Mountain but rather the long, skinny more snakelike dragons of Eastern culture. The dragon flew by so fast that the farmer wondered where it got its energy. The farmer tracked the dragon back to its home. It was sitting awkwardly in a chair (it’s hard to imagine how a creature such as that could “sit” yet that’s how the story goes) and sipping water with tea leaves. Thus did that farmer return home and invent not only the drinking of Tea but also the chair. Although many people preferred to sit on the floor the beverage became very popular.

Energy Drinks first appeared in the homes of people who had been abducted by aliens. After waking up with a vague recollection of visiting a space ship during the night people would find an energy drink on their nightstand. Most think it was a gift, the aliens knew the human they had abducted would be tired the next day from having been “probed” all night and the energy drink would help them get through the day. Others wonder if the energy drink itself was just another experiment to see how humans would behave when super jacked up on energy drinks. Regardless of the aliens intentions some of the energy drinks were studied, reverse engineered, and eventually replicated. Now people all over the world are either enjoying an otherworldly gift or participating in an alien experiment.

Chocolate, which also has some small amount of caffeine, was a gift from God because life on Earth seemed a little too hard. And He wanted to do something nice for us.

Back In My Day

Have you ever watched an 8 year old child, born and raised in these modern times, try to play the original Super Mario Bros.? The phrase Epic Fail comes to mind. Kids today can’t beat the games that I played back in my day.

In my day most video games started in arcades. They were designed for you to die. Over and over again. Every Game Over screen meant you had to put more money in the machine. That pushed video game developers to make games fun enough that you wanted to keep playing but hard enough that you’d die over and over and have to pay another quarter to try again. But it worked because all the video games were that hard. And there were those few kids who were so good that they could play for hours on a single quarter, the reward for getting good at those games was that it literally cost you less money. You had to pay once to start the game, but after that each additional quarter was the literal price you paid for losing. If you never lost you never had to pay again. That seemed fair.

When consoles became popular and we stopped paying twenty five cents per life the overall game design philosophy was slow to change. So what if death didn’t equal another quarter? Video games had always been hard and they would continue to be hard. Beating the original Super Mario Bros. was an ACHIEVEMENT. I died so many times in world 1-1 that I expected to fill in the pits I had to jump over with Mario’s dead bodies. And then when I finally beat “Bowser” in world 1-3 and some little mushroom person told me the princess was in a different castle I lost my gosh darn mind. If I had known any swear words I would have used them! “POO!!! That butt says I have to look in another farting castle! What a poopy … poop face!” (when I was either most of my “bad words” were butt/poop related) And the anxiety of playing world 2-1 was off the charts. I was so worried about dying and starting all over again all the way back at the beginning that I was almost too afraid to keep playing! I wasn’t sure I could get this far again, ever! It was a combination of luck and prayer that had gotten me past Bowser ONCE! The thought of doing it again was too much. My heart very nearly burst from the sheer stress of it.

That difficulty made for a couple wonderful moments. Finding a shortcut, a warp pipe or ceiling you could walk on top of, was momentous enough to declare a nation holiday. “Why don’t we have to work Monday?” “Monday is Warp Pipe Day, it celebrates the time some kid found a shortcut to the end of Super Mario Bros.” When I found the warp pipes hidden in the underground world 1-2 that let you skip whole WORLDS ahead I was overjoyed! Whatever stress and paranoia I experienced when I was further than ever before and scared of starting over was more than made up for by the exhilaration of discovering some new secret. The constant fear of death also made the 1-Up Mushroom (or any extra life in any video game) the sweetest thing! In the arcade an extra life was literally the same as free money, on the console it was a chance to get farther in the game than ever before. When death had consequences 1-Ups meant something.

Now, when you play Super Mario Bros. Wii and you run out of lives you don’t even have to start over. They just give you more lives. If you get more things whenever you run out of things that means you have unlimited things. And having unlimited lives is just a bad life lesson if you ask me. I don’t know why the game bothers to count how many lives you have when there’s no penalty to running out of them.

Rogue Like games are kind of popular today, these are modern games where when you die you have to start over. I think they’re popular among my generation because that’s how EVERY GAME USED TO BE.

Diablo has a mode called Hard Core where when you die you have to start all over. That’s nothing, I beat Super Mario Bros. on Hard Core when I was eight!

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy modern games. The fact is that between having a job and grown up responsibilities I probably don’t have time to play a game where I have to keep starting over. But I can’t help but feel like the modern generation of gamers is missing out on something. When games were harder they were also more rewarding. At least that’s how I chose to remember it.